alright. Ive decided to start blogging regularly. here and suicide girls. I've been on there for a while now and It's been hard to keep up with it but I'm gonna be all over it now.
Still concidered jobless right now, only work out there is Im helping my Guard Unit get it a** back together after a year in Iraq. I recently even applied for a job with the National Guard full time but got turned down because I wasn't qualified enough. lets see. 10 years in the Active Army, 2 tours to Kosovo, 2 tours to Iraq. Served in Germany for 7 of the 10. Life is funny that way I guess...

Where to begin...

Hit Ft. Chaffee running and with sword out, the commander named me MVP. I did both admin and combat arms. Then I had my car so the "master DD" was on call. Not one meal did I pay for and my tank was full the whole time.

Remnants of Germany...

and on that note.

The trip had to get set back, I decided to take a chance with my unit and go for an opening in the supply room.

I know right, its crazy because its a lot of responsibillity. Ever since me and Anne broke up I have this...focus. I think its what I needed.  Im even working at the armory for the next 3 months.  Back in shape again and everything. What sucks about the whole thing is I was up on my enlistment with  my unit this month. So I could have went to Germany and stayed if I wanted.

Funny how things are working out. alright, my bro gets married this weekend. Im best man I have written a speech and have almost got it memorized. he's gonna love it.

But with good news comes bad. The Temp service gave him a call. The f*ckers said he missed too many days and terminated him. One of those times I hate when Im right. The first thing that feel outta my mother's mouth when my job hunt began was "whynot get with a temp"? Well the way companies are nowaday is so durty and cutthroat. If they have to make cuts guess who gets the T-2000 special first! 

My mother's trip started this week and again she followed her usual MO...she went BROKE!!! All her money went to my brother and her "twilight" addiction. And my money is not comming till the end of the month. So In Gattlinburg she sits...lol at least the hotel is nice.

I should feel used.

I should be used to this right? It’s the curse of a “nice guy”. All of u know I was in a long distance relationship. Its crazy but it was working, but the signs showed up…

…and this time I listened!  She suggested it once I man’d up and broke it off.

So I’m single again. Just in time for the summer.

Going to Germany in July, my brother is getting married in June. So I’m just gonna concentrate more on my military career. I am just going to accept that maybe I’m ment to be alone.  No sense in beating myself up evaluating what I or she did wrong.

I even took a break from Xanga because she said I was telling to much of my “business”.  So now I’m back…

…let my madness continue.

Another month still jobless, but somehow I still got money rolling in. Or at least it seems that way. Another phone bill this time 700 dollars…yeah me and Anne are strictly internet now I just have to figure out a way to get internet where ever I go. But those broadband cards are expensive and they don’t work everywhere. A work in progress. She’s been so good to me and I surprised her for V Day.  It was easy to get her address out of her lol.

But I’m still having thoughts that I’m being played sometimes by Anne, its my old instincts coming back. I really haven’t been the same since Julia. Now that I sit back and think on it I have a lot of good friends now because of the way she would neglect me. But those old voices are gonna have to wait because I’ve devoted myself to the Blackrose Project. This will work as long as we got each others back. I try not to worry myself too much she has a lot of medical issues going on and I’m stuck in the US.

WLC was a different experience. First the PT test, which I didn’t have to take and when I said I would they told me I couldn’t. It was the first time that a school didn’t go out of the way and to extremes. I was an example from day one, my instructors jumped all over my “quick to volunteer” and “always in a good mood”. I didn’t follow the “in crowd” and I took responsibilities for my mistakes. The only bad part was dealing with waking at 4am and going till 11 at night. Everything they did and taught was for a reason.

Its was only three of us who were actually 11 series in the class, we go over because the instructors would concentrate more of the “pac clerks” and supply guys/girls.

Little Rock…total waste of time. I drive all the way up there and it was “family themed”. The only good thing about it was the hotel room, somehow I lucked out and ended up with a room to myself. Everyone spent the night trying to get me to drive them around to get drunk. Usually I would have jumped all over DD’n but I opted to go to sleep, yep I told a handful of drunks to call a cab.

Work.

There isn’t any, and once again my leaders looked me in  my face and lied. I got on the National Guard site lookin for the openings in Forrest City for any of the full time jobs. Nothing. Which means the hook ups have begun and no one is retiring like they said they were? So tomorrow I file unemployment and go from there. Cause bills are still coming…

Im starting this entry  with a IM convo between me and Stephens, it fits into something that I have put long nights of meditation on to fight. There are times when my thoughts have gone to “well I haven’t heard/seen her so she’s cheating” or  “why does he do all these things for her, he wants her”.  What is eventually done in the dark will come to the light. If they are doing u wrong, deal with it. Harking on it hurts the trust. So what if u were always cheated on, so what if u don’t want to be hurt again.

The following takes place between 8:00 pm and 9:00 pm…

Grifter™: g evening

nicki stephens: whats so good about it

Grifter™:

nicki stephens: jeff being a dick

Grifter™: why u say that

nicki stephens: well he is

Grifter™: what happened

nicki stephens: its valentines day and he dont want to spend any time with me

Grifter™: what is he doing working

nicki stephens: no

Grifter™: or does he have the boys

nicki stephens: he has his boys

Grifter™: ok so whats the problem

nicki stephens: i suggested activities that involves the kids and he just gets hateful and informs me that he wants to stay home and spend time with boys

Grifter™: think about it

Grifter™: those boys mean everything to him

Grifter™: and there are gonna be times when he will just want to have them with him

Grifter™: male bonding more dads should do it

Grifter™: u should be proud not being so angry because u have a real fatherfigure

Grifter™: for a boyfriend

nicki stephens: when acts like one

Grifter™: see ur being unfair right now

Grifter™: u two have a very good relationship

nicki stephens: whatever

Grifter™: and he always makes time for u in the end dont he

nicki stephens: no

Grifter™: it just dont be when lil nicki wants it

Grifter™: spolied ass lol

nicki stephens: this is valentines day?

Grifter™: exactly not xmas not thanksgiving

nicki stephens: isnt it suppose to be special except he is being hateful instead of being sweet in which puts me in a bad mood

Grifter™: u have him in ur life dont u

Grifter™: there u go theres ur special right there

Grifter™: u HAVE someone

Grifter™: quit being petty

nicki stephens: that we really dont spend much time together

Grifter™: ur not married...yet

Grifter™: so instead of being this spolied person

nicki stephens: it looks like were arent going to

Grifter™: sure tell me anything

nicki stephens: i dont know why has been an ass lately

nicki stephens: i understand the other night

Grifter™: doesnt sound like it to me

Grifter™: just sound like u set those expectations high again

nicki stephens: it seems like when he is around his kids he is an ass

nicki stephens: or when he hears from nicole

Grifter™: its called responsibillities

Grifter™: and u sometimes dont get it

Grifter™: because u get tied up in what u want

nicki stephens: u know what after she gets an aboortion or loses the baby he can have her back   it seems like he wants her bc he keeps talking about her and yet he gets mad when a guy texts me

Grifter™: u have to share girl

nicki stephens: sharing with the kids i dont mind at all its i dont think i have to share with her

Grifter™: she was his wife

Grifter™: u will always have to share with her

nicki stephens: i dont give a shit

Grifter™: and there lies the problem

nicki stephens: the kids yes but not her

Grifter™: everytime she is in the picture u get crazy

Grifter™: and there is no reason for it, jealousy make u look real silly u know

nicki stephens: u damn straight

nicki stephens: he gets mad each time shane asks me how im doing

(ok. Shane is the last d*ck she had…no pun, no homo)

Grifter™: do u blame him

nicki stephens: he has no right

nicki stephens: since she keeps butting into our life

Grifter™: what is shane to u

nicki stephens: nothing

nicki stephens: an ex just like nicole

Grifter™: not the same nicki

Grifter™: and u know it

nicki stephens: he informed me one day that if she didnt get knocked up he would still with her

nicki stephens: and in the shower the other day he was telling me that she was having baby issues that there was something wrong with it and advised her to abort it

nicki stephens: how am i suppose to feel about it

Grifter™: u should be happy about it and supportive

Grifter™: hes talking to u about his deepest thoughts and problems

nicki stephens: tell u what i will tell him to take her back and leave me be

Grifter™: here we go

Grifter™: time for me to be the bad guy

Grifter™: ready...

Grifter™: here goes...IS THIS WHY U HAVE SO MANY DAMN ISSUES IN RELATIONSHIPS NICKI STEPHENS??!!

nicki stephens: and he is going to think im fucking around on him when i go to summercamp

Grifter™: so

Grifter™: u think hes gonna leave u for his ex

nicki stephens: apparently he doesnt trust me

Grifter™: and apparently u dont trust him either

Grifter™: perfect two idiots lol

nicki stephens: i put to much time into this relationship to be hurt

Grifter™: so just enjoy the good time and keep goin

nicki stephens: even though he is thinking about nicole when he is with me?

nicki stephens: i deservev better

nicki stephens: than being compared to her

Grifter™: ur not being compared to her u  are the one who is competing

Grifter™: so dont

Grifter™: either he is gonna be with  u or not

Grifter™: ur making it into a game show

nicki stephens: no he is still interested in her and bringing it into our relationship

Grifter™: well leave him now then shit if u think that

Grifter™: because u are the only one thinking it

nicki stephens: he has no right to say shit to me about shane until he limits his time with her only about the babies

nicki stephens: i feel that he is comparing me to her even though i am better

Grifter™: well u got me fooled right now

nicki stephens: what makes u think that he isnt comparing/interested in her

Grifter™: u are telling me that a man who has a responsibility to provide for this woman and who has been with this woman

Grifter™: has kids with this woman has to prove to u that he is a man

Grifter™: u are stuck on stupid

nicki stephens: he dont have provide shit to her

Grifter™: yes he does

nicki stephens: just support the kids

Grifter™: its a defaut tie in there mom

(FYI. She is the mother of three boys, different fathers and none of them have contact. State/Federal foots the bill)

Grifter™: u should know this

nicki stephens: i will not have him thinking of her when we are together especially when we are in bed

Grifter™: u know that aint what he's doin

Grifter™: he talks to u about everything sounds like and u just have to rememeber that this is the mother of his kids and his ex

Grifter™: his biggest problem ever

nicki stephens: yeah his ex she needs to stay in the past and not moving into the future

Grifter™: she is his past present and future

Grifter™: and it seems like u need to rethink this

nicki stephens: then he can have her back

nicki stephens: im fuming to u

nicki stephens: bc we are both hot right now and nothing hurtful needs to be said

nicki stephens: everytime i turn around i hear something about her

Grifter™: ok so

Grifter™: she was his best friend

nicki stephens: a best friend and a wife would not fuck around while her soldier was in iraq

Grifter™: again the only reason he got the divorce was because SHE wanted it

nicki stephens: its like im in her constant shadow and it bugs the hell out of me

nicki stephens: i fix his meal and had a shower ready he got there and i hear about her while we are in the shower

nicki stephens: i was trying to make it romantic bc he was spending the weekend with his kids

Grifter™: will u come out of this fariy tale now

nicki stephens: i just wish he would reassure me that he dont her anymore

nicki stephens: like he use to

Grifter™: he came over, hes telling and conviding in u about her

Grifter™: he is with his boys and not at the strip club or bar

nicki stephens: i know

Grifter™: so quit thinking and reading into shit and enjoy ur man

Grifter™: u got a good one...for once

nicki stephens: i think im losing him bc he constantly worries that nicole will keep the kids from him so he thinks he needs to take her back

Grifter™: thats not what hes thinking

Grifter™: he knows he doesnt have to go back to nicole in a relationship

Grifter™: u gonna lose him because ur thinking that

We all do this, take Valentine’s Day to be a serious thing. My point is if u have someone support that someone. They are doing the best that they can, life isn’t a damn romance novel. Not the end of the world.

I’m in the US, my girl is in Europe/Germany. If we can have a “dramaless” relationship then like “Bama”   whoever that little man in ur head is coming up  with these thoughts needs to come together and make a change!

Now, In other news…

O called late one night this week. It seems that his nephew had his truck and one of the kids of his girl got sick. He asked if I would take him to go get some medicine. In the background she was saying all kinds of evil, I told him u tell her I got my shoes on and Im out the door on my way! Im not like his other boys if her calls me its because he needs someone to get it done! He was so happy to hear me say that.

Got the car, 1500 down after financing the 2005 Colbalt, note $ 220 dollars a month. I can pay that with my drill pay. 

Spent the last two weeks filling out apps because the unit put every sort of dirty trick they could come up with to keep everyone in Arkansas. Even now as I speak there are guys struggling to peace back together their lives because all the promises they made about jobs with OWT and within the Brigade were false.

Endgame with OWT: Packets disappeared,  letters of release turn from the commanders of the companies could to only The General of the Arkansas Guard could.

Endgame with AGR jobs in the state: Buddy system and who u know.

I talked with my fam about these issues seeing as I was trying to go to Mississippi and the certification with that would put me in Germany doing the “dream job” I’ve always sought after.  Every plan I had was destroyed…

So after I get done with WLC even if I have to reclass to MP im leaving Arkansas. I’m even considering going around, through, and even behind the back of the chain to get somewhere where I can have some sort of secure future. Swords have been sharpened.

I’m on leave…

Its great, to just be off with pay. Got all set u with everything but my passport, and a job.

My passport paperwork is on hold because the idiots at the Unit lost a thumb drive and now someone has access to more that half  of the units personal data, security clearances and most importantly…social security numbers!

Its looking like the Mississippi thing fell through, so its looking like back to the grind....

The usual is going down, the bills, the issues with my peeps and my fam.

O . My homeboy. Finally is living his dream. He’s wrestling almost full time now. Got a goo d group of guys that he works with.

Now the down side…the pays isn’t good plus he had to move to a hotel because of his significant other and yep there are children involved. Might be his so he dances this dance again. Another DNA test.

Its a crazy situation because she would have this other guy at the house and buying her things while O was at work or out of town etc. so for all he know she was giving him cake too.

That is really unfair to both guys I feel when a girl does that, especially when she has no intent of being with the other. Devote all  to one and let the other guy go. That could be time, effort, and finance that could be put on a good woman. These days u have women being just as much a “player” as the men.

But he has already showed that whatever happens he’s with this girl. Nobody likes it but  we all know what I say about that. F*CH EM.

Went to Arkansas…waste of time. The 1^st SGT isn’t in any hurry to help anyone get to Mississippi. I’m willing to bet he hasn’t even talked to the commander about anything. But I did find out that I have WLC  starting on the 20th of February.

Happiness.

I’m working on that part too. My babygirl isn’t perfect but she tries so hard its been, I don’t know how long since I’ve been able to say that about a woman. She lets the distance we are away bother her a lot though. I try to be comforting but that’s hard to do when even the cost of calling cards are outrageous these days. But I’m not giving up even if I have to put her on a plane every six months.

On the verge of a new year…

Back in Memphis, just having some issues as usual. I’m working on them.  My mother is working me like a slave right now, but its for a good cause…

Within 24 hours I was able to tick off my grandmother.

Well she felt that I was supposed to run to see her IMMEDIATELY…

But I did the “settle in and unpack” thing first. It kinda spooked me because she was seriously upset.

All my relatives came down to seem me.  My uncle /aunt from Huntsville and the other from Maryland. Oh man it was great!  All of us talking about our careers and the issues of the world.

But my brpther and his gurl…oh man!

It’s like Red Foxx and Della Resse in “Harlem Nights”.

She got mad xmas eve and just left our house. He get mad a strt

Got down to the church house, talking to the pastor really helped me out in some decisions I have to make in the near future.

Went back to Mississippi as planned, the Unit there said Im good for a job there but Im not so sure. I keep thinking it s gonna be harder to leave the “Dirty 39^th” than it has been. I still gotta go to that reintegration thing in January and then WLC in February. My next operation is the 7^th ATC in Germany they are hiring.  But my mother needs help here and in order to keep my E-5 I might have to stay in Guard Status next Monday I start burning the ear of the recruiters here and see what is what. So as u see Im a busy lil dude and I just got back…

I think Lil Wayne and B.Man describe it best “over here hustling “.

It’s getting to a point where time to myself is getting to be little to none. Even my brother is preplanning my days along side my mother. I have to take time to wash clothes its so bad right, and the XBOX has yet to power up. My new girlfriend is having problems “adapting to the distance and the fact that Im so busy…

But she always have had the patience the length  of a NO.2 pencil and getting shorter everytime u use it. I’ve want her since I met her 5 yesrs ago. But why is it always been like that for me. Even with Julia I have had to wait my turn in line….curse of being the “good guy” again.

Oh well I’m happy either way, now I’m off to read some of Lorelei’s blogs for tips and tricks LOL…

Back to civilization.

Back on the plane in a few days. It’s finally over.

In the tent, cots out and J’s snoring soundly.

Enemies have all of a suddenly become allies again, that two-faced sh*t I’ve come accustom to.

Both eyes open…sword ready.

Mouse and Stephens.

More alike every day, so much in fact they have both ran their new boyfriends mad.

The "attention" thing, it’s become like they can’t breathe without the man. Attached at the hip u can’t get anything done.

Constant casual sex down through the years is also a factor at play here.

Henceforth again the saying, "getting to know u first" is nonexistent.

Got so bad I had to ignore both of them, it sucks but it’s needed.

Have to draw lines in the sand sometimes, if its ment to be its ment to be.

Home for Christmas, we’ll see. Its gonna be a close on because our advon (the ones in charge of processing us back in the US) are still in Kuwait!

More disappointment.

I’ve only told one other person of this fact, the other will know as soon as these words hit the Blog site.

Annie is back in my life, surprised that another chance has been give to her. Why?

Well…I’m almost sure it’s a defect in my armor, I’ll get back to u as soon as I’m sure myself.

The Germany trip is still on even if I have to just see her I’m going.

Catch me if u can…

Am I my brother’s keeper…?

How close I am to getting out of the desert, at the same time the distrust in the Unit grows.

It seems like every time an incident occurs now sides are taken and then it the incident, the evidence all just disappear.

The Leaders aren’t taking care of the soldiers; the soldiers aren’t taking care of the leaders.

Usually by now were all like brothers, back to back times under fire tend to bond u…

…not here not in this reality.

I feel like I’m in an alternate one and Mr. Spock with an eye patch is trying to help me get back to my time, my world.

You are either in with the corrupt or a victim of them.

They even turn on each other from time to time.

Just Yesterday I had to tell a fellow NCO (Sergeant) that if a situation goes bad it our duty to prevent it…

…it fell on deaf ears.

  Am I the only one who refuses to just “leave things alone”? Is the way of this Unit always going to be “do just enough to get by “or “that’s not my soldier”?

They are always talking to these guys (and ladies) here like they aren’t appreciated, I can understand with my job sometimes u have to be hard. But not all the time…and Yeah the whole “I don’t have time to explain it to u “gets old after the 3000’d time they say it and then get mad when the job isn’t up to standard…

…none of the shots I get from the Army have mind reading serum in them.

So I still refuse to give in.

Still listen.

And when a problem is right in front of me I get on it, my soldier or not.

But I grow weary too, it’s taking every ounce of discipline and patience I have, and my knowledge of the UMCJ and “do/don’ts’” of the military burn up countless internet bandwidth.

I walk alone…